February 2, 2001: Woman accused of attacking killer dogs
A story line you wouldn't believe if you saw it in a movie theater, when set in san francisco, often nearly makes sense.

This story started with reports that a woman in the marina was attacked by dogs and killed. Then it came out that the vicious presa canario dogs involved in the attack really belonged to a pelican bay state prisoner, an aryan brotherhood fool who sports two first names and has a folksy midwest prison handle: paul john 'cornfed' schneider.

Police implicated attorneys marjorie knoller and richard noel in raising the dogs for the inmate, who is both their client and newly adopted son. Thirty-eight year old cornfed's adoption by his attorneys is allegedly an effort to simplify money transfers and visiting arrangements to make it easier to run an underground ring to sell fighting dogs to the mexican moffia. Presa canario dogs make good meth lab guard dogs and can eat cheese tortillas without getting the farts like other breeds of vicious dogs.

Meanwhile, mastermind cornfed sits in a cell suing the state for various things and drawing glam pictures of muscle-bound dogs posing with hot chicks sporting big guns. His cell is littered with the dog drawings, apparently in an effort to distract from the pain of prison sex.

The dogs were originally sent to live on a farm, where they killed all the sheep and chickens and attacked a cat. When the farm went out of business, the attorneys decided to raise the killer dogs themselves in their pacific heights apartment, away from sheep or chickens. Unfortunately ultra-bred, genetically retarded dogs aren't picky about what they attack, and they instead started attacking the neighbors, lastly killing diane whipple.

In an attempt to see what might stick, noll and knoller accused whipple of prompting the attack by taunting the dogs with a 'pheromone based fragrance' that she wore. They also speculated that whipple took steroids, apparently to freak out killer dogs and start fights with them.

Knoller said whipple punched her in the eye, pushed her aside and then ran to attack the pack of dogs in the hallway. Knoller's original statement was much less exciting, stating that the dogs just ran out of her control and attacked whipple. In her next statement, knoller plans to blame whipple for the california energy crisis, which had left her dogs depressed and irritable.

As stupid as noll and knoller are to expect the public to believe their ranting insanity, it's also sad to see that city police didn't immediately unload their guns into both dogs as soon as they got to the scene, instead of calling in a swat team to contain the dogs. We hope if angry cops ever come to our house, they take us to the pound to play with toys, rather than blow us full of holes or haul us to some concrete prison hole of sodomy.

In memory of whipple, city dog owners have put together the whipple memorial dog walk-in at fort funston, were their dogs will only kill rare native birds, and no lacrosse coaches.

The liberal and generally pacifist city chapter of 'queer for cats' has asked all residents to shoot menacing-looking dogs on site, but apparently no one in the city owns a gun except for the mexican mafia thugs who own the vicious dogs.

The san francisco spca reminded residents to take all their killer-style pets to obedience training and have them spayed or neutered, unless they are being inbred to raise fierce attack animals for drug territory control.

More information about killer dogs, obedience, lawyers and other horrors:

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Mad-dog prosecutors and other hazards of american business
Never cry wolf
Bad dogs need it, good dogs deserve it
Crime and punishment
The best Of three dog night
Frankenstein meets the wolf man
Rattlesnake lawyer
2001 the treasure island experiment. All rights reserved.