Zoon Awards Hall of Shame
Zoon Awards began in August 2007 as an effort to recognize the spectacular efforts of individuals and organizations promoting the regression of human achievement in the field of technology.
Zune: Inspiration of the Zoon Award.
The awards are named after Microsoft’s failed Zune product, which aspired only to deliver adequacy with a modicum of effort while simultaneously being used by Microsoft to attack its own PlaysForSure partners in an ultimately ineffectual effort to monopolize the market for both music players and music distribution and foist more DRM-centric music rentals on a market that had already soundly rejected the idea, repeatedly over the last decade.
The multifaceted boondoggle of Microsoft’s Zune, involving its embarrassing arrogance and hubris, the malicious and devious betrayal of trusted partners, its villainous conspiracy to kill good products and institute mediocrity under an the policing of an iron fist in its place, and its boorish lack of imagination and character, all serve as a perfect model for representing the most shameful and humiliating award that could be assigned to an individual short of a Darwin Award.
Unlike the Darwin Award, a recipient of a Zoon Award must continue living down their prize for the rest of their lives. It is our hope and wish that those who are awarded a Zoon will turn around and seek enlightenment, change their ways, and begin contributing back to society rather than leeching upon humanity and making the world a stupider and more unpleasant place to live.
History of the Zoon Award.
Originally, Zoon Awards were conceived as a monthly booby-prize, with recipients nominated by the public and awarded based on votes submitted by an open panel.
However, those initial plans failed to take into consideration the widespread apathy among Internet users, as well as the nearly infinite supply of individuals worthy of being granted a Zoon.
In August of 2007, a listing of Zoon nominees was published and a vote was conducted for three categories of Zoon awards:
- A Pink Zoon for spectacular effort in fear-based propagation of uncertainty and doubt, or efforts to infect headlines with false information with the primary goal of preventing innovation, competition, and the emergence of new ideas, or simply to make a quick profit.
- A White Zoon for the blinding glare of a shiny blank brain, particularly when such ignorance is presented with authoritarian emphasis by an individual or news source operating well outside its abilities. This award may also be assigned to a company or organization in recognition of epic failure.
- A Brown Zoon for squirting extraordinary amounts of intentionally noxious misinformation, whether dredged from an impacted recollection of twenty years ago, sucked from the trusty bucket of canned responses, or simply invented as needed to create an intolerable outburst of stink.
A panel voted to award Zoons as follows:
- A Pink Zoon for George Ou of the Notorious ZDNet, a blogger property of CNET.
- A White Zoon for Microsoft’s Windows Genuine Advantage.
- A Brown Zoon for George Ou of the Notorious ZDNet, a blogger property of CNET.
Broadening the Scope and Volume of Zoon Awards.
While entertaining in a limited sort of way, the original Zoon Awards event required too much organizational resources and failed to recognize the valid nontributions of the many valid nominees
who deserved more significant mention for their egregious activities.
It was subsequently determined that recipients should be inducted into the Zoon Hall of Shame immediately and without any complicated formalities. Awarding a Zoon is now a matter of simply printing the recipients name in boldface and declaring an award be granted.
To keep pace with this accelerated distribution method, the Zoon Hall of Shame was created to provide public record of the ignominious recipients.
Retroactive Zoon Award Recipients.
In order to recognize all of the valid nominations submitted in August, they will be hereby granted a Zoon, effective immediately. This includes:
- Troy Wolverton of the Shameless San Jose Mercury News.
- Neil Cavuto, of the Unconscionable Fox News.
- Jim Cramer, Scott Moritz and Brett Arends, of the Intolerable theStreet.com.
- George Ou of the Notorious ZDNet, a blogger property of CNET.
- Windows Genuine Advantage, of the criminal Microsoft Corporation.
- Oliver Rist of the of the Notorious InfoWorld, a blogger property of IDG.
- Microsoft’s Efforts in Self-serving Pseudo-Philanthropy in New Orleans.
Zoon Awards, UK.
In September 2007, the Zoon Awards went international with the following recipients:
- The Sassy London Lite.
- Oliver Stallwood of the Sassy London Metro.
- Michal Dzierza, Kim Taylor Bennett, and John Dunne of the Sassy London Paper.
- Rory Cellan-Jones and Bill Thompson of the Bumbling BBC News Service.
Zoon returned to the US to accomodate a new development, which resulted in the award of three parties:
- Randall Stross, Shill Interviewer and Professor of Business at San Jose State University.
- Roger Kay, a Rob Enderle clone at Endpoint Technologies Associates.
- The Otherwise Highly Esteemed New York Times.
Shortly afterward, a series of individuals were awarded a Zoon in a series of iPhone-related scandals dating back to 1985.
- Dan Frommer of Silicon Alley Insider.
- Scott Moritz of the Intolerable theStreet.com.
- John Dvorak an incessant guest of CNBC and MarketWatch.
- Rob Enderle of anything that cites punditry and lacks a formal shill policy.
- Brian Lam of the Hip Shooting Gizmodo.
- David Sessions of Slate, which is apparently still in business.
- Roger Entner of Verizon Shill Firm IAG Research.
- And John Sculley, former CEO of the Beleaguered Apple Computer, Inc.
Also nominated was Steve Jobs, in recognition of the whole two month “just kidding” iPhone pricing situation. This award was later withdrawn after Jobs gave away $100 thank you gifts that did not require any additional purchase or other gimmickry. That also bought Jobs a limited degree of RDF insulation from further Zoon Awards, in the event that another opportunity to award him might arise in the future.
- Scott Woolley of the Questionable Forbes.
- MusicNet and its shameless CEO, Alan McGlade.
- The Questionable Forbes, for printing a MusicNet advertisement as a feature article.
- Mike Elgan, former editor of Windows Magazine and current polluter of IDG’s Computerworld.
- Kim Zetter of the Sensationalized Wired Magazine.
- Troy Wolverton of the Shameless San Jose Mercury News.
- Rob Enderle only because his previous award had been forgotten.
- Kevin Poulsen, l33t Haxx0r and editor of Sensationalized Wired Magazine.
- Paul Thurrott of Paul Thurrott’s Internet Nexxux and Paul Thurrott’s Windows Supersite
- Adrian Kingsley-Hughes of the Notorious ZDNet, a blogger property of CNET.
- Peter Eckersley, staff technologist of the otherwise respectable EFF.
- Fred von Lohmann, senior staff attorney of the otherwise respectable EFF.
- Mary Jo Foley of the Notorious ZDNet, a blogger property of CNET.
- Joe Wilcox, Microsoft Watch blogger for eWeek.
- Dan Lyons of the Questionable Forbes.
- Paul Thurrott of Paul Thurrott’s Internet Nexxux and Paul Thurrott’s Windows Supersite.
- Mike Elgan former editor of Windows Magazine and current polluter of IDG’s Computerworld.