Daniel Eran Dilger in San Francisco
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Three Months Before Christmas

Daniel Eran Dilger

Twas three months before Christmas…
..
… and all through tech land,
no competitor to Apple
had ideas in their hand.

The holiday season
was hung like a horse!
And makers were hoping
for ponies, of course.

Millions of PCs,
gadgets and phones
were going reap profits!
But for one firm, all alone.

So HP and Google
found a copier phone,
and said lets call Samsung!
They’re down to clone.

And so days before iPhone
was set to explode,
the former importants
all readied their load.

It’s Nokia first!
They decided together.
Cause Windows Phone 8
could use some more chatter.

Lumia sprang to applause
for a minute — then died,
as the truth sank in:
The photos had lied.

Then it was Kindle,
A Paperwhite flash
Watch Amazon’s ads!
Or pay us more cash.

And HP and Samsung
In a crisis of design,
Kicked out an iMac
and a Galaxy line.

Consumers were sleeping,
bored back to their beds,
but dreaming of Apple’s
new stuff their heads.

When what to my wondering eyes
should appear,
but banners downtown,
saying it’s near!

CEO with a grin,
so lively and quick.
I knew in a moment
It must be St. Cook!

More rapid than others
his keynote progressed,
But what’s in the closet?
Alas I digress.

He glowed giving numbers
of sales and fame,
then called for the others
he asked for by name.

Now Federighi! Now Forstall!
Show us whats new!
And Phillip Dub Schiller,
we can’t forget you.

To the top of the charts!
And knock down the walls,
We got the new iPhone
But wait that ain’t alls!

We’re taking the Maps
And cutting Google loose
So you want serve ads?
You can chase our caboose!

Recall, Microsoft:
when you ran the whole town?
You’re sure not still running!
You’re just falling down.

Yo Samsung our partner!
You done being redic’les?
Sure like your new stylii,
Can we buy some in nickels?

Just kidding I was,
We’ll stick with your chips
We haven’t used pens
since we invented that shit.

It was back in the 90s
When you said we were lootin’
that Fiddler pad concept.
When Apple had Newton.

It’s 20 years later,
pens aren’t where it’s at.
So keep Phablet profits!
We won’t take those back.

Did you see our new iPhone
We built with your parts?
No doubt you’re already
Sniffing our farts.

You’ll copy the shape
and sell your chips bare
But you’ll have a harder time
stealing our ‘ware.

You’re good with the silicon,
screens, metal and glass.
But when it comes to UI
your head’s up your ass!

That reminds me, oh Google,
I saw Jelly Bean!
My condolences it runs
1% of machines.

You need to give updates
away for your users!
Same with you Ballmer,
and your WP7 losers.

I’m off to my sleigh
I got toys to distribute
I’m sort of like Santa
but get more in tribute!

“Oh wait!” Said St. Cook
As a bell gave a ring
and he flashed a coy smile
“There is one more thing!”

Hey Ballmer, remember
those iWork apps?
And how we dropped Office
right back in your laps?

He turned to Adobe:
“We made you something!”
A killer like Flash,
You paint with your fing.

You guys, you all know
It’s really been fun
but for 2012,
We really have won.

We popped out an iPad,
a new OS X!
A Retina-screen MacBook
All just to begin.

It’s the end of the year
And your stuff is just copies!
You better get cracking
and stop smoking poppies.

Cause 2013 is
just three months away!
We built some good things
and got more today.

You’re all so behind
It’s really absurd
So start making gold
and stop with the turds!

As the tunes played him off
He said thanks to the many.
“Y’all come back soon,
and we’ll show you the Mini!”

7 comments

1 SonOfA { 09.11.12 at 2:15 pm }

It’s amazing how something can be funny, yet be so true!

2 bOMBfACTORY { 09.11.12 at 2:40 pm }

HP et al. can go right ahead and ape the iMac all they want, for isn’t an all new one right around the corner, and sure to blow minds?

Any info here Dan?

3 adobephile { 09.11.12 at 4:27 pm }

I love all the “quiet” from Apple as contrasted with all the noise and rumors and bullshit elsewhere. I know Apple’s just busy working on more good stuff. I’m so ready for my iPhone 5!!!

4 broadbean { 09.11.12 at 6:14 pm }

“all though tech land” – all through.

5 studiodave { 09.11.12 at 6:36 pm }

A fine run through history it was.

6 DarelRex { 09.12.12 at 6:13 am }

Bravo!! That was delightful.

7 Mike { 09.16.12 at 12:12 am }

Awesome.

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