Daniel Eran Dilger in San Francisco
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Exclusive emails from Jesus Christ!

Daniel Eran Dilger

Nobody else has printed email replies from the chief executive of Christianity. That makes this exchange, which I paid a source hundreds of dollars for, newsworthy and legitimate, even if it’s all just sensationalized banter between somebody important and recognizable and a drunk nobody. I expect leading media sources from around the world to syndicate this as hard news.
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To establish the legitimacy of this email exchange, I’ve posted email headers, which is text burned into the stone tablets of the email application in such a way that the individual characters can not be modified afterward, something like the Ten Commandments, but still extant more like the Shroud of Turin.

I believe they are 100% legitimate, because otherwise I’d have paid hundreds of dollars for nothing. Now, here’s the hard news you’ve been waiting for: a drunk agnostic shaking his fist at Christ, and getting bland, placating responses that fail to curb his doubts:

Doubting Thom:

When we spoke, you would not tell me that there is a fix for prayers not being answered promptly? I just consulted This Same Website Publishing this Exclusive Email Exchange and read an article about prayer not being answered.

I assume there is no fix then. If this is legit, I have lost all respect for Christianity and just want to go back to animism and have a nice animal sacrifice. And don’t tell me they have the same issues, all our co-workers with voodoo dolls are just mocking us right now…. “Hey, I am going to go in the basement and continue my seance. You can use my office on the 2nd floor so you can get your prayers answered”. You are going to kill your religion over one issue. Christ is coming off arrogant and rude. If there is no fix just tell people so they can leave their church. We have work to do. I have believed just about every tenet of Christianity in the last 20 years and this is the 1st time I am ashamed to be a Jesus fan. This is just sickening, Doubting Thom.

Here is Jesus Christ’s reply:

No, you are getting all worked up over a few days of prayers going unanswered. Calm down.

Doubting Thom:

I am really insulted… “Calm down”…. “unanswered”… What arrogance. This is will be marked as the begging of the end of Christianity. Seriously, DO THE RIGHT THING. I just had dinner with 3 people who had Bibles we all cant get answers to our prayers. There is no rumors it is reality.

Jesus Christ counters:

You are most likely in an area with very weak faith.

Doubting Thom again:

Stop with jackass comments. I have prayed every day. They all have had a poor response but this is the so much worse X3. The whole country is is “weak in faith” in reality… all but the church and heaven it seems? The scriptures are a joke. I am in “excellent” to “good” faith and on my previous prayers, I could at least get a good answer. After all, it is a prayer. New prayers… genuflect… ZERO answer. Christ! IT DOES NOT WORK! Geezzz I hope this this is not really you. Are we on a different wavelengths? I have yet to see a prayer answered in Richmond when you hold beads in your hand. It is not “isolated”. I was a big fan. But I am done.

Jesus Christ responds once again:

You may be praying with bad assumptions. Not your fault. Stay tuned. We are working on it.

Sent from my Jesus Phone

And lastly, Christ emails in again:

(no actually it was Thom now that I reviewed these very legitimate mail headers and look at the TO: field again)

Retire, relax, enjoy your family. It is just a religion. Not worth it.

The Proof

And now, the irrefutable truth pointing to a 100% legitimate exchange between Thom and Jesus Christ: email headers you can peruse, even though you know nothing about how email works and have never reviewed raw email headers before. It is evidence that can’t be tampered with, and exists in a way that prevents the messages from being altered in any way. I am 100% convinced of this.

Stay tuned for messages from the Loch Ness Monster and Vishnu!

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For the humor impaired: Apple says Steve Jobs emails on iPhone 4 reception were faked

24 comments

1 Maniac { 07.03.10 at 9:25 pm }

LOL. Haven’t read the alleged Steve Jobs email conversation, and now I don’t need to. (BTW, it’s “tenet”, not “tenant”.)

2 Tim Gaden { 07.03.10 at 9:27 pm }

An outstanding piece of satire.

3 jaypres { 07.03.10 at 9:27 pm }

If you are in Singapore, the Internal Security Department would have invited you to a grilling interrogation session.
But I get your message. How can BGR trust the headers??

4 Dmitri { 07.03.10 at 9:28 pm }

Very funny! Keep up the great work Dan.

5 addicted44 { 07.03.10 at 9:33 pm }

That was excellent.

One of your best pieces yet, and you have cleverly exposed the stupidity of treating the “Steve Jobs” emails as actual Apple policy/statements, as well as the extent to which this reception issue has been overblown.

6 JoseGaldamez { 07.03.10 at 9:37 pm }

“X-Mailer: god Mail”

You god Mail?

Btw, pretty scary how god and Google’s domains are in the same e-mail headers. You trying to say Google is watching our every move? Oh wait, they are. :-/

7 JohnWatkins { 07.04.10 at 12:10 am }

I understand God fiancees heaven with cash earned from AdSense and Amazon partnering. God should be careful though because Google has collected a ton of information on her—browsing habits, product purchases, predilections, etc.
Enjoyed the late night laugh, Dan. Thanks.

8 gus2000 { 07.04.10 at 12:12 am }

“Sent on my Jesus Phone” lol

Ah satire. It’s a unappreciated art form. Throw in a little more snark and you could ghost-write for the Macalope.

9 Extensor { 07.04.10 at 12:15 am }

Amen Brother!

10 jomi { 07.04.10 at 2:47 am }

Thanks Dan, that was awesome!
I can’t wait for the email exchange with the Loch Ness monster and its thoughts on the rumors of its nonexistence…

11 cy_starkman { 07.04.10 at 3:59 am }

Nyah Nyah Nyah.

I can’t quite work out which was more hilarious. The original or the satire.

Fortunately I live in the land of milk and honey and as such our Jesus phones answer all our prayers. Even the Buddah or Mohommed phones do.

Some say it’s the underlying network and others say it came from the wisdom of having the same protocols at the base of all the networks.

12 ShabbaRanks { 07.04.10 at 4:33 am }

I just died laughing!

..and Jesus was a bugger then too.

13 event202 { 07.04.10 at 6:54 am }

Loved that example. Funny on so many levels.

14 benlewis { 07.04.10 at 8:16 am }

Enjoyed the humor in this piece quite a bit, thank you (you do christianity-themed parody so well, it reminds me of Firesign Theater). It seems like you’re doing more at AI and less here roughly since WWDC – do you mind if I ask if you’ve changed your thinking on distribution, or is it just a coincidence?

15 SkyTree { 07.04.10 at 9:04 am }

Dan,

You paid “hundreds of dollars” for this?

Surely the going rate for this kind of betrayal is more like “30 pieces of silver”.

16 Orenge { 07.04.10 at 10:34 am }

Ha ha – I got an email from Osiris once. True story.

17 Mr. Reeee { 07.04.10 at 11:47 am }

Very funny, Dan.

Be prepared to be … favorite form of death of favoite saint goes here … by the pack of humorless, literalist Xtians who will surely discover it as swoop down upon thee.

At least you’ll get a slew of hits before being burnt at the stake or shot full of arrows, ala Saint Sebastian.

18 HammerOfTruth { 07.04.10 at 12:07 pm }

More importantly: “Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?”

19 kdaeseok { 07.04.10 at 1:30 pm }

Wow looks like Jesus was also drunk.

20 Artyom { 07.04.10 at 3:38 pm }

Great work Daniel! I’ve just finished lo-o-ong argue Android vs. Apple and reading your satire about this stories with the emails was just in time for me to smile :-)

21 JPTJr { 07.04.10 at 7:08 pm }

So many people have latched on to consumer culture as religion, and Apple / Steve Jobs seem to be the focus of passion and a sense of betrayal for many. The Gleaming Cube on 5th Ave with teaming followers streaming in the door . . . it’s all too much anyway. If it pisses you off that much, put down your iDevice and pick up your kid.

22 gctwnl { 07.06.10 at 3:14 am }

Slightly OT (but I have to go back ages to find a blog by Daniel where it fits, as Daniel anaylzed this ages ago), but our good friend Rob Enderle is coming around to face the truth, it seems:

http://www.itbusinessedge.com/cm/blogs/enderle/google-microsoft-and-hp-vs-apple-the-smartphone-oem-nightmare/?cs=41898

“This is like watching a sports event where one team [gctwnl: Apple] is training hard and the others [gctwnl: MS, Google, HP, RIM] are hardly training, so the outcome seems preordained.”

Enderle says Apple will be enormously successful and the others will fail. Now I’m surely worried ;-)

23 AtmanRising { 07.06.10 at 9:39 am }

Excellent. Reposted at http://straypixels.tumblr.com/ with attribution. Great insight :)

24 ObamaPacman { 07.06.10 at 12:39 pm }

LOL Dan. Looks like indisputable evidence alright!

@gctwnl,
Maybe MS missed a payment to Enderle?

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