Daniel Eran Dilger
Random header image... Refresh for more!

Apple clones Steve Jobs

Daniel Eran Dilger

Shares of Apple were up dramatically today after the company unveiled a duplicate version of its chief executive Steve Jobs.

.
The top secret cloning project, which is the first successful duplication of a human using DNA from somatic cells, has been kept under tight wraps for more than five years of development, with even certain members of the company’s board being kept out of the loop.

Board members who were never informed of the cloning project included the late Jerry York, who reportedly nearly resigned in disgust after learning that Jobs had failed to disclose the extent of his serious health issues a year ago. Former board member Eric Schmidt, who left Apple last August over competitive concerns due to his role as the chief executive of Google, was also kept in the dark about the cloning project.

Sources close to Jobs said the CEO feared that if Schmidt had learned about the project, he would likely have tried to clone himself at Google, stealing Apple’s thunder, infringing on its patented cloning technologies, and delivering a third rate distraction that just really wasn’t all that good.

Wall Street excited

Ultimately, the cloning project was completed ahead of schedule and within its original budget. Apple engineers report that the cloned version of Jobs, who is also referred to simply as Steve Jobs, is progressing well and is quickly being brought up to speed with the last 55 years of Jobs’ experience.

The cloned Steve Jobs exhibits the same personality traits and physical appearance as the original Jobs, but has the open mind of a child, something the original Jobs is said to find fascinating and “magical.”

Shareholders are also delighted by the news, which immediately added $25 billion to the company’s valuation, in line with a recent estimation published by Barron’s about the worth of “a healthy Steve Jobs.”

Apple said it will be exercising its cash hoard to fund expanded facilities capable of mass cloning additional iterations of Steve Jobs, creating an army of intense, creative thinkers it plans to use in taking over the automotive industry, rebuilding America’s educational system, and designing new fonts.

Competitors respond

Microsoft called a press conference immediately after Apple’s announcement, noting that it too had been working with partners on a cloning program for years. It expects to unveil Windows Clone for Executives by the end of 2010, along with a flurry of consumer electronic devices that look like Apple products. Microsoft said it would be creating a clone that mixed the DNA of Steve Ballmer with that of Chinese premier Wen Jiabao. The synergy is expected to facilitate dynamic new opportunities for the company and country, globally.

Separately, Daniel Lyons has filed a lawsuit against Apple for allegedly violating his rights to the premise of “Fake Steve Jobs,” insisting that he has established global ownership of the idea of pretending to be Apple’s chief executive. Lyons said he saw no point the the cloning project, but he is expected to dramatically reverse his opinion within a couple months.

Apple’s cloning announcement also prompted Michael Dell to finally liquidate his company and return the proceeds to its shareholders. Jobs and the cloned Jobs collaborated on sending Dell a tersely worded email with the words, “Good! Best, Steve.”

  • olambo

    When can I buy a Steve Jobs clone from my local apple store?

  • broadbean

    But did they also clone the dodgy pancreas and liver?

  • olambo

    Is the joke that this story is false or true? Is this what they really stopped Daniel from talking about?

  • lmasanti

    The “best April 1st. joke” was done in 1976, at least the best Fool’s Day joke to Microsoft: Apple was founded!

  • luisd

    new fonts! You made my day!

  • FightTheFuture

    Daniel, your a great writer – but I don’t think the Onion is looking for someone like you :P

  • DesperateDan

    Good stuff Dan, brought a smile wide enough to make me forget about the monster hangover I’m experiencing (for a few minutes at least…).
    Sharp as a tack as always, keep it up!

  • ShabbaRanks

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha … etc etc.

    Very funny.

    PS: having read the above to myself it could be misconstrued as sarcasm. It isn’t.

  • jomi

    Thanks Daniel, that was a great laugh :D

    It was really well done, you perfectly captured the spirit of Microsoft and especially of Michael Dell: “Apple’s cloning announcement also prompted Michael Dell to finally liquidate his company and return the proceeds to its shareholders”

    That sentence was huge! :)

  • SamLowry

    Good to have a backup. I hope they can merge this with time machine!

  • http://www.kleartek.com kruge

    Oh, bravo :-)

  • iLogic

    Daniel, when are you going to monetize RDM on the iPad?
    I’d gladly subscribe.

    iLogic

  • gus2000

    I’d rather see an electronic copy of Steve Jobs, using Intel’s new Clone2 Duo chipset.

  • T. Durden

    I’d have believed it if it wasn’t for this sentence:
    “Ultimately, the cloning project was completed ahead of schedule and within its original budget.” But a project completed both in time and within budget – nah – it’s just not realistic.

  • gctwnl

    “new fonts” and “Windows Clone for Executives”. Dell. Also the adidtion of 25 billion in market cap. Very funny. I’ve got a smile on my face that will take some time to wear off.

    If this would be possible, though, I would expect war between the Jobses. More than one hypercaptain on the Apple ship is bound to lead to problems.

  • stefn

    There’s a sapp for that.

  • Player-16
  • Player-16
  • Player-16

    President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama pose for a photo during a reception at the Metropolitan Museum in New York with SJ clone. (Nice set of glasses Steve.)
    http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e0/Jose_Ramos-Horta_with_Obamas.jpg

  • Player-16

    Chinese President Hu Jintao (R) shakes hands with CEO ‘Steve Jobs’ during their meeting in Beijing, China.
    http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2008-08/08/xin_20208050806343432978920.jpg